I feel like I’ve constantly been working towards somethings, towards a future that will mean I’m finally done and I can finally begin life. Crazy, I know. I think I’m a type-A personality in some respects, with my lists, agenda’s, constantly planning, constantly doing. I went to college because it was something I thought I had to be crossed off one of my lists, and I went to law school because I thought my college degree wasn’t enough. I struggled financially through college, and lived vicariously through other people I knew-the clothes they bought, going out and spending money every weekend, not hesitant to go out and eat all the time, etc. (I was fortunate enough to save some money and take a few trips in college with great friends however, and I’m glad I didn’t have to live vicariously through anyone for those!) But at that point in my life, I still felt like I was paying my dues. I didn’t come from a privileged background, and I knew I had to finish school to get somewhere. But I finished school, and I finished law school, and I feel like I’m still living vicariously through other people.
Which brings me to a topic I’ve been wanting to raise for a while: jealously. It first came up when I wrote my blog entry about not finding a job, and I got an email from a reader asking if it was wrong to feel jealous when she heard that a friend or an acquaintance got a job, while she kept searching. My response in summary: no. I had the same feelings myself: Jeff had to tell me that I couldn’t get upset every time someone I knew got a job. But I feel that jealously, to a point, is a part of nature. And I’d like to think that my jealously is harmless. I don’t hate my sister-cousin Vanessa because she got to travel to Guatemala for the holidays and travel to Tikal, Antigua, etc. But I will admit I’m jealous. I think I’ve looked at her pictures about a dozen times already.
I keep waiting to reach a point in my life where I’m not struggling anymore, where the income is coming in, and I’m saving money and able to buy and do the things that everyone else buys and does. I have to remind myself that it’s all part of life, that I am living life right now, that I should embrace it and stop waiting for something else. I’m also not so naive that I don’t realize this might be a feeling that we all have for the rest of our life: we’ll always want more, we’ll always want to be somewhere else, we’ll always want to achieve the next best thing.
It should be known: I’m not unhappy with where I am in my life right now, not in the least. I love coming home to Jeff, I love my family, and the friends I’m blessed to have. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am :)